I feel like I was born with this burden of never being satisfied. I don’t know what it is. I look back over my now almost 40 years of life and I see that I have accomplished things that most people would be proud of, that I know I should be proud of. However, I don’t feel proud of anything really because I am constantly thinking about what I could have done better, what I could do better currently, how I can help my kids do better so that they don’t ever have to go through the same struggles. I am well aware that these thoughts are completely unfair to myself, my kids, and my husband who has stood by me raising our family, building our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I do love our life, especially our family, but sometimes I just get stuck in this mental rut.

When I am in this place, I feel like I am almost 40 years old and am still not really sure what I am doing with my life. I enjoy so many things and my interests and passions seem endless. Anyone that knows me knows I can get on my soapbox, go on tangents. But then like a gnat I am on to the next thought, the next item on my to do list. With a husband, kids, career, a house, finances, goals, etc. life just seems like this ticker tape of to do lists and the ability to focus on any one aspect for long enough to meet my own ridiculous expectations seems elusive.

It is not lost on me that I am not the only one who feels like this. I know it is thoughts like these that cause some people real despair, an inability to move forward, difficulty sleeping, depression, however, that has not been the case for me. I am convinced that the only thing that has kept me from doing a deep dive into some sort of dark mental abyss is my ability to control my self-talk, to control my thoughts. No matter how bad I feel on any one day, how tired, how unmotivated, how lazy, I KNOW…I am tired for a reason. I am not an unmotivated person. I am not lazy. I am not perfect. I do not do everything right the first time. I do not do everything as fast as I would prefer. However, I am ALWAYS moving forward…even if it is like a snail. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Things that are supposed to happen, happen. Good things come to those who work hard, love others, have faith, and are willing to keep trying day after day.

Mid-life crisis? Quite possibly.